Harry Potter and Barry Trotter, together at last!
by funiki-senjo
Summary: One big laugh-fest for Harry fans and enemies alike! Whether you've read the book or never heard of Harry Potter, you're sure to like this! Please R & R.


DISCLAIMER: I do not own the rights to the actual books depicting Harry Potter or Barry Trotter. If I did, I'd probably do something else in my free time other than write strange fanfics about them. I'd probably be out spending money.  
  
EXPLAINATION: ----All you have to know to read this fanfic is that Harry Potter is a wizard and he goes to the school of witchcraft and wizardry, Hogwarts. So if you've never read the books, you're not missing anything.  
  
Most of you know of Harry Potter. To read this fanfic, you need only the most basic knowledge of the books, and if you've read the books, hopefully you'll enjoy this just as much. "Barry Trotter" is an actual book; in fact (as you may have guessed), it is a complete mockery of Harry Potter. I don't really know anything about it other than that, so you don't have to know anything else, either. Fans and enemies of Harry Potter alike can enjoy this fanfic, I know, because I made almost all of my friends read it and they seemed to like it regardless of their personal feelings towards Harry Potter. Please don't take this too seriously, and most of all, enjoy!  
  
CHAPTER ONE: VAMPIRES, TESTS, AND FIGHTS. OH MY!  
  
Once upon a time, there was a boy named Barry Trotter. He was like Harry Potter, but different, because his name was spelled with a "B" and a "T". In fact, he wasn't like Harry Potter at all; I was lying to you. His name wasn't Barry Trotter, either; his name was Lucifer. He was very hot. Literally.  
  
But once upon a time, there was also a boy named Harry Potter. He was a boy, and his name was Harry. His last name was Potter. His first and last names put together were "Harry Potter." I'm not sure what his middle name was. Maybe he didn't have one at all. Maybe his middle name was Lucifer, like our friend Barry Trotter. I don't know. But the point is, he was Harry Potter, and that's all that really matters.  
  
Harry had a friend. His name was Barry. No, I'm kidding. It wasn't really Barry. It could have been, but it wasn't. Maybe some day he'll have a friend named Barry. How'm I supposed to know? What, do you think I'm some kind of prophet or something? Do you think I can see the future? Just because I'm really great and everything doesn't mean I can see the future. If I could, do you think I would have started this "fanfic" at all? It's not even a fanfic; it's just my way of getting Christine to stop quizzing me on stuff I'm only pretending to know. I was looking at her paper the whole time. But don't tell her that.  
  
Anyway, this kid named Harry, and his friend named Barry, they had a friend named Mary. Mary had a crush on Jerry, but I'll talk about that later. Mary was quite contrary, because of the kid named Jerry, who liked to beat up Barry, but didn't talk much to Harry. Jerry was quite hairy. In fact, he was very. One day, Mary beat up Jerry, who in turn beat up Barry, who tried to punch Harry, but ended up tripping over a cat. The cat ate Jerry, who tasted like a fairy. Jerry didn't beat up Barry anymore after that.  
  
So Harry Potter, he was a wizard, right? No, I'm lying again to trick you; YES he was a wizard! He even had a wand. Well, it kind of looked like a long pointy stick. Maybe it was just a long pointy stick and it wasn't a wand. Or maybe "wand" is the codename for "long pointy stick." What, did you want me to research this or something? But whatever it really was, Harry liked to wave his wand around and make things go "Boom!" Kind of like they were exploding, but not really since sometimes they just made loud sounds. Sometimes they did both things at once; that's the benefit of not going to those lame silent films. Back then they thought those movies with sound were just a fad. Ha! Just like you're thinking that this entire page of text is worthless. Well, I'll prove you wrong; I'll sell ten copies for thousands of dollars each! Or maybe it's the other way around, I'm not really sure.  
  
So Barry, aka Lucifer, wasn't the nicest guy around. Well what'd ya except out of a guy with a name like Lucifer? I mean, come on, a name representing the incarnation of all evil isn't usually the name of some wusy nerd who gets stuffed into lockers. Well, I take it back, a wusy kid like that could have a name like Lucifer. After all, lots of wusy kids have long, old-fashioned names like that, and that's why they end up stuffed in public high school lockers just like their similarly named predecessors did thousands of years ago. In fact, some of those pubic high school lockers we use now are the same ones they used thousands of years ago, so it gets kind of crowded in there. How many old dead guys can you fit into one locker? Maybe Barry will find out for us if he suddenly turns into a wusy nerd.  
  
I suspect Barry and Harry weren't really friends. They could have just been pretending. After all, there was that time when Barry tried to give Harry a swirlie, and that time when Harry wrote, "Barry is a pansy" all over the school. Maybe they had just gotten into a fight. But I don't think they were best friends like Mary and Jerry were before the cat incident. There was something about Barry that really ticked off Harry, and Barry was allergic to Harry. This is why I'm against crossbreeding. It's a very dangerous sport and can lead to disastrous side affects, such as: spontaneous subject changing, referring to real-life people inside of a fictitious work, and even intense bouts of maniacal laughter. If you haven't already figured out, I am a hybrid.  
  
So anyway, now that I've revealed my deepest, darkest secret to all of my adoring fan(s), let's continue with our story about Barry, Harry, Mary, Jerry (yes, he's still included even though he was devoured), Terry (you'll find out more about him later), Larry, Berry, Scary, Contrary, Hairy, and Bob. Some of these characters you may never hear about or from again, but that's what happens when you try to chug five gallons of milk while simultaneously skydiving, jet skiing, and mountain climbing (don't ask).  
  
One day, Barry tried to cheat off of Harry (like me with Christine, but that's entirely different). Harry didn't appreciate it too much, so he punched Barry in the face. Barry wasn't too keen on this, so he stole Harry's long pointy stick and broke it in two. Fortunately for Harry, this was only his "decoy long pointy stick", but then Barry realized his blunder and stole Harry's real long pointy stick and broke that in two. Fortunately for Harry, this was his "decoy for when the other decoy long pointy stick is stolen and broken by Barry," and it exploded when broken. Barry liked his new hairstyle.  
  
Suddenly, Barry fell in love with Harry. They had known each other for quite some time; it was only natural that things would progress to this development. Barry asked Harry out on a date. Harry punched him. Barry didn't love Harry anymore, but he still admired him deeply. Barry asked Harry for his autograph. Harry kicked him in the shin and ran away. Barry keeled over and died.  
  
Fortunately for Barry, Harry didn't really kick him in the shin. Harry actually kicked him in the temple. Well, maybe that wasn't much better, 'cause Barry died anyway. Or maybe he didn't. Maybe I was just making all of this up to fool you again. Maybe I wrote this on April Fools day. But, you ask yourself, if I wrote this on April Fools day, why did I refer to myself in my present condition using the past tense? Did you ever stop to consider that this was all just one big conspiracy? Maybe Harry and Barry were in league together to take over the world and were just pretending that they secretly hated each other while they were pretending to be best friends. That way everyone would let their guard down and Harry and Barry could take advantage of the simultaneous weakness of all the world leaders at once and blow everyone up with their long pointy sticks. Just a thought.  
  
Okay, you were right about one thing. Barry wasn't really dead. He could be considered dead since he was cold, pale, and had no pulse, but I say, as long as they're still breathing they're okay! Harry ran away and hid in a dark corner with his arms around his legs swaying back and forth in a fetal position and whispering in a quiet, scared, girly voice, "Barry is a pansy, Barry is a pansy.." Barry tried to explain to the doctors that he wasn't really dead and they should wait a while to bury him. They buried him anyway, but he can back as a vampire the next night, so it's all good. Coincidentally, Harry was elected the local vampire slayer the next day, which wasn't so good because he was afraid of the dark. He told them he'd do it if they built streetlights between all of the graves in the cemetery. They agreed without hesitation.  
  
So the next day at school, Barry and Harry found out they would have a really big test at the end of the week. Their teacher said that if they didn't pass he would kill them. Barry wasn't too worried, but Harry didn't like the idea of being savagely beaten to death. Barry reassured Harry, and told him that if he met him in the cemetery the next night, he would make all his problems disappear and fix his crooked teeth. Harry eagerly agreed, not realizing that Barry wasn't a very good dentist and had no bedside manner.  
  
So that night, Barry met Harry in the intensely, painfully well-lit cemetery. They paused a moment to admire the swarms of mutant killer insects who hunted humans in packs, and listened to the peaceful sound of the buzzing of electric bulbs harmonizing ominously with the buzzing of the mutant insect-bird hybrids, then continued with their business.  
  
"I'm hungry," Barry said.  
  
"I like bugs," said Harry as a mutant killer insect landed on his shoulder and began to chew on his ear.  
  
"You really should come over some time," Barry began, "for dinner, I mean. I'd love to have you," he finished, smiling evilly with his fangs reflecting the florescent glow of the mutant-killer-insect-frog hybrids below.  
  
"Me too," Harry said to the bug on his shoulder who was apparently communicating with him through a leg stuck deep in his ear.  
  
"But really, I'm thirsty more than anything else," Barry commented, licking his lips and eyeing Harry's neck.  
  
"Bye Barry," Harry shouted as a swarm of mutant killer insects picked him up and flew away with him. Unfortunately, he was too heavy for them and they dropped him in a puddle of nuclear waste around 2.8757647300896764632231 meters away. Barry lost interest and walked away, forgetting his plastic vampire teeth in the graveyard. Harry began to glow and grow wings and antennae, all the time wondering if he would find any vampires that night. Apparently they were afraid of the mutant killer insects, since none ever showed up.  
  
As some of you may know, a test given at the school of witchcraft and wizardry which Harry and Barry attended was not a normal exam. Their teacher wasn't exaggerating when he said he would kill them if they failed; he really did intend to. This may have had something to do with the bite he received from Barry making him rabid, but that didn't change his teaching status at Hogwarts. After all, strange things happened to the teachers there all the time (sometimes resulting in dismemberment and mutilation), and why should he get any special treatment?  
  
The test the students faced today was exceptionally difficult. No test of this difficulty had ever been given in the entire history of Hogwarts, even to the most advanced students. The teachers, even the renowned Professor Dumbledore who was the headmaster of Hogwarts, could not have passed this test even with a thousand years of preparation and the combined talent and skill of every wizard who had ever existed. There was actually no solution to the problem this test presented, and the problem itself was nonexistent. That is to say, the entire test was one giant trick question, though the teacher expected them all to come up with a solution regardless. Sadly, any solution that was applied to this problem would most likely either kill the person trying it, or turn their skin green permanently and give them a tail.  
  
Every student failed except for Jerry, whose cramped location in the intestines of the cat gave him an unexpected advantage. Fortunately for the students, their teacher was too busy snarling and foaming at the mouth to remember his promise of death to all who failed. The upside? The students got a new class pet.  
  
Herein ends this, the first chapter of the tale depicting the untold adventures of our heroes. To come in the following chapters:  
  
-Pregnancies  
  
-Cloning  
  
-Large-Scale Broadway Musical Productions 


End file.
